Money arguments are often cited as one of the biggest marital conflicts leading to divorce. Usually ranking number one or two, depending on what study you read. Either way you put it, money arguments are a big challenge.
What Qualifies as a Money Argument?
There are money conversations, and then there are money arguments. Big difference.
A money conversation is simply a discussion about money with both people respectfully expressing their opinion about a money topic. Even if there is some disagreement, the conversation remains respectful in tone and both partners are working towards a common ground.
While a money argument takes a big turn. In money arguments, both partners are at odds on an important topic and they both think they’re right. Or right enough to argue passionately about it and not back down. There’s also the variable that one person has done something ( it doesn’t matter if it’s “right” or “wrong”) that is far out of alignment with the other person.
Most Common Money Arguments
There are a lot of reasons/causes for money arguments, here are some of the most common ones.
Number 1: Different Life Goals
Partner A wants to save and invest as much as possible so they can retire before age 50 while partner B wants the big house, fancy cars, and designer clothes. Partner B doesn’t really care about that far in advance and thinks that the money situation will “work itself out.”
These two people are disjointed in their money and life goals so arguments are bound to frequently surface. Partner A is going to be bothered that money that could have gone to saving and investing are going to luxury items. Partner B probably sees partner A as “cheap” and not understanding how to properly “YOLO.”
This is just a simple example, there are many others, such as:
- One person prefers affordable staycations while their partner wants to take exotic trips around the globe
- The wife wants to aggressively build a real estate portfolio while the husband is risk averse and wants to keep most of their money in savings
- A new car every few years is really important to one person while the other wants to use that money to build an investment portfolio
Number 2: Lack of Education/Not Knowing
Confusion often comes from a lack of education, or not knowing. Ignorance is not bliss in this case. If things are not going well financially and neither partner understands why, it’s easy for that confusion to transition to a money argument.
Let me give an example of a couple in $9,500 of credit card debt. They are faithfully making the minimum payment every month, thinking they are doing what they’re supposed to do. That lasts about a year and then the car is totaled, requiring them to get a new one.
Now this couple has the minimum monthly payments on the credit cards plus an added car payment. They are falling short every month and things start to get stressful. They start to bicker more and argue about things like spending five extra dollars at dinner or the grocery store.
The real issue is the credit card debt, but the couple doesn’t understand making the minimum payments will get them nowhere. With financial education, they can make a real plan, work together, and start to minimize some of the money disputes.
Number 3: Consumer Debt
Consumer debt almost always places a high strain on relationships. Once you’re in the hole, it takes a lot of effort to get out. Plus it’s easier to allow the hole to get bigger versus filling it.
One of the big problems with consumer debt is it slowly grows into this giant beast. Eventually it grows so big that it seems impossible to get out of. In theory, most relationships would do fine with a little consumer debt. Paying 100 dollars extra on the credit card isn’t a backbreaker for most people.
But once that debt starts to accumulate and become more difficult to pay off, the real strain on the relationship starts to take place. For example, a couple making a combined 10,000 dollars per month with 25,000 dollars of consumer debt is likely to start feeling like it’s a hopeless case.
That’s when the arguments start to really heat up, only compounding the original money issue.
Number 4: Hiding Money
This is a really big one that goes beyond just money. Someone hiding money from their partner is not only hiding money, but being dishonest in the relationship. It’s financial infidelity and not fair to the other person.
Hiding money is a breach of trust and will likely bring up more relationship issues than just the money. It’s a money argument with potentially disastrous outcomes.
Number 5: Different Realities
Imagine this couple: Dual income of $200,000 per year. One partner wants to save and invest 25% of their income while the other person wants:
- A brand new luxury car every two years
- New home every five years in the most expensive part of town
- To spend $40,000 per year on vacations
These two have completely different realities and it’s very likely to lead to money arguments. With the salary they are making, the math doesn’t add up to be able to do what both partners want. Sure, if they made half a million a year, this would work, but not at the current salary.
What To Do
Now that we have some of the most common money arguments covered, what to do about it? Here’s a few ways to not only avoid/minimize money arguments, but also how to prevent most of them from happening in the first place.
Number 1: Communicate
Simple communication here. Find out what your partner wants. What are their goals and aspirations? What does money mean to them? What age do they want to be financially independent?
Once you have some of these questions answered, you’ll have an idea if you’re financially compatible or not. Then you can start making some decisions about the relationship and whether you’re compatible or not.
Related: Talking About Money as a New Couple: 10 Must Do’s Before the I Do’s
Number 2: Get Aligned
Start to get aligned with money. Figure out your life goals and how money relates to those goals. If you want to be a household free of consumer debt, make plans for that to happen. Or if you want to be a household that invests a large percent of your income for early financial freedom, work with your partner for that to happen.
Things won’t always go as planned, but if you’re aligned, at least you are working towards the same thing. The struggles, challenges, and bumps in the road will be easier to navigate if you’re working together.
Number 3: Be Patient
Be patient. This is an important one. Things aren’t always going to go your way. You and your partner will make mistakes and wish you could have do-overs in certain areas.
Be patient with yourself and your partner. If you’re both trying your best, you’ll be able to work through the mistakes and get better from them.
Number 4: Seek to Understand
In Stephen Covey’s book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, one of his principles is seek first to understand, then to be understood. Following this principle will go a long way in stopping money arguments before they begin.
For example, if your partner makes a money mistake but is working to get better and learn, it’s important to understand where they are coming from and give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he or she was raised with bad money habits they’re working to eliminate. Or maybe they picked up some bad money ideas a few years back that they are trying to break.
Conclusion
Money arguments are mostly avoidable. I say mostly because nobody is going to be perfect 100% of the time.
The goal is to do the best you can and continue to get better. Communicate, give your partner the benefit of the doubt, and work together on common goals. Things will find a way of working out if you do.
How do you prevent money arguments?
