Money is the number one thing couples argue about according to this article in Business Insider. It’s also frequently cited as one of the top causes of divorce. It’s not money that is necessarily the problem—it’s the way we talk, think, and communicate about money.
Money itself is just a currency. It’s not alive and it doesn’t talk to us or physically move us. But it does impact us, and has the ability to positively or negatively impact our relationships and lives. That’s why it’s so important to learn to talk about money.
People come from different socioeconomic backgrounds. Some grew up rich, some poor, and most somewhere in the middle. The way we grew up with money has a big impact on our current thoughts and perceptions about it. Whether we realize it or not, the way our parents or caregiver thought, behaved, and talked to us about money helped shape many of our current thoughts and behaviors around personal finance.
What happened after leaving home also shapes our financial behaviors. Maybe we met a mentor or friend who taught us different viewpoints about personal finance. Or maybe we worked for a boss who positively impacted our thoughts and perceptions about money.
The point is we all come from different backgrounds and have different life experiences. Then we get together with another person and are expected to make the relationship work. Relationships can be challenging enough even without financial issues. Read these five ways to talk with your significant other to help get on the same page with your finances.
1). Ask How YOU Can Improve
What would happen if you began a financial conversation by asking what you can do better? How would your partner respond to that level of openness and honesty?
Chances are, your financial behaviors aren’t perfect. That’s because nobody is perfect. I know I’m not. Try starting out a conversation by asking what you can do to improve. I think you’ll be surprised how your partner lets his or her guard down and communicates openly and honestly.
Acknowledge the feedback. On things you agree with, say you agree. And then really work to change that specific behavior. Follow up in the days, weeks, or months later with an update on how you are progressing.
On things you may not agree with, say something like “I’ll have to think about that”, “I haven’t thought of it that way”, or “Can I have some time to think about that one?” Follow up at a later time in a respectful way.
Later in the conversation, your partner may ask the same question about how they can improve. But don’t demand it. If it happens, that’s great. If it doesn’t, there will be other opportunities. This is a time for you to ask the question and allow your partner to be open and honest with you. You’ve laid the foundation for improved communication.
2). Talk to Your Partner About How It Can Benefit Them
Too many money conversations begin with putting one person on the defensive. Then the conversation transitions to an argument, which is the opposite of what we want. Try beginning the conversation about how it can benefit your partner. Some examples:
- You know how you’ve been saying you want to save more money…
- I think there’s a way you can retire early if you still want to…
- This book I’m reading says that we should spend on what we value, and avoid what we don’t value. I just got a new camera, is there anything you’ve been wanting?
- You know how we talked about investing more? I read this blog and I think you’re right about adding more money to our investment account each month.
- Do you still want to cut back on your work hours in the next couple years? I think there are some ways to make that happen…
When a person hears how something can benefit them, they perk up. It’s a natural reaction. Anytime you begin a conversation about how it can benefit your partner, they are very likely to listen and be open minded.
Talk about the benefit first and then get into the details of how to go about it. Beginning with the details first might put someone on the defensive. Beginning with the benefit is much more likely to increase their engagement and be less threatening.
3). It’s Not About Winning an Argument
In his timeless classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie identified that nobody really wins an argument. He wrote, “You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.”
Many mistake “winning” an argument as victory. Problem is, it’s not over. The person you have just “beaten” now likely feels resentful and angry. Which just extends the argument indefinitely. And will probably start new arguments.
A money conversation, or any conversation, isn’t something you should be looking at to win or lose. It should be looked at as a discussion and opportunity to communicate. It’s a collaboration to solve a challenge together, not to beat another person.
4). Use a Tool to Jumpstart the Conversation
Try using a tool to jumpstart the conversation. Not a tool like a hammer or wrench, but a tool like an external source of information. A personal finance book, blog, podcast, or conversation with a friend would qualify. Use the third party as a tool, and join together as a team to talk about it. Some examples:
- “I’ve been reading this book Cash Uncomplicated, it recommends we invest at least 10 percent of our income. What do you think about that?”
- “I heard this podcast on the way to work today. The lady on the show was saying if we invest 30 percent or more of our income we can retire way before the normal retirement age.”
- “I skimmed through a blog this morning. It said something about value-based spending and being intentional with our money. Do we do that?”
- “Tom was saying today that he and his wife are saving up a six-month emergency fund. Do you think we have enough for emergencies?”
Notice there is no judgement here. It’s just bringing up information heard from an outside source and asking your partner their opinion about it. No accusations, no demands, just bringing up information, followed by a question. The benefits to using tools in this way:
- Avoids power struggles
- Brings couples together to answer a question coming from an external source
- No judgments or accusations
- Brings up new information in a non-threatening manner
- Statements are neutral or information seeking, not accusatory
- Way to ask your partners opinion and express that their opinion is valuable
5). Stephen Covey’s Fifth Habit
In his must-read book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey identifies the fifth habit: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
At some point in our lives, myself included, we’re all guilty of doing the opposite of this. We try to convince another person of something without making an effort to understand their viewpoint first. We’re so sure we are right that we don’t even stop to listen to someone else’s viewpoint.
While the other person is talking, we’re busy formulating our counterargument. Which means we’re not listening.
This brings me back to Covey’s fifth habit. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” means you are listening first, talking last. While your partner is talking, you are actively listening with the intent to understand. Listening doesn’t just mean “not talking.” It means actually focusing and trying to understand what the other person is communicating.
Try this and gauge your partner’s response. I think you’ll be surprised about how openly they communicate with you, and appreciate the way you are listening.
It almost feels like an injustice to write just a few paragraphs about Stephen Covey’s fifth habit. If you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend picking up a copy today.
Summary
Any of these conversation starters can be used alone or combined. The point is to engage your partner in good, healthy money conversations. And avoid fighting. There’s enough to fight about, don’t make money another one.
How do you talk with your partner about money?
