I was inspired to write this post from close friends of mine who recently got married. They had the money conversation well before the nuptials, but many people don’t–and then pay the consequences after. We all came to a consensus that it’s critical to talk about money as a new couple because the stakes are really high.
New Couple Defined
“New” has a broad meaning. For the purposes of this post, I am going to define a new couple as somewhere between a month or two to six months. The relationship also has to be “official”–meaning the couple agrees to be exclusive, not just in the dating stage.
Why Talk About Money as a New Couple?
There are myriad reasons to talk about money as a new couple. Depending on what stats you look at, money arguments are always rated somewhere in the top three leading causes of divorce. But it’s not just about preventing divorce or future issues. Among some of the other reasons:
- Spend on mutual interests that enrich the relationship
- Clear understanding of expectations
- Live in financial harmony
- Higher trust levels
Here’s an example of financial harmony using a fictional couple. Tim and Jessica have been married for five years. On a monthly basis, they automate their investments and savings. They also have six months of cash reserves for emergencies, and save a few hundred dollars per month for vacations and fun things.
Both Tim and Jessica know exactly where all their money is going and what gets spent on what. They’re investing what they want to invest, and have plenty left over for daily living and fun things like vacations, day trips, nights out, etc. There’s no ambiguity on where the money is going and they never argue or bicker about money.
What if the Money Conversations Are Just Skipped?
It might be tempting to skip the money conversations because it can be uncomfortable. For some, it may even be a deal breaker if their money values aren’t aligned. But skipping money conversations is a path you don’t want to go down.
A few money questions for a new couple to illustrate why you can’t just skip the conversations:
- Would you rather find out now your financial values aren’t aligned or seven years into the marriage?
- If you found out your new boyfriend/girlfriend was thousands of dollars in credit card debt, how would your feelings change about them?
- What would your opinion be of a partner who refused to spend money on anything other than bare necessities?
These are all critical questions that can make or break a marriage. If you’re a person who never has carried consumer debt and you all of a sudden find out your partner is $30,000 in credit card debt plus student loan debt, it’s a big deal.
Marrying that person means you would be taking on that debt. In the end, you may love the person so much that you’re willing to take on the debt. But it’s also something you should be well aware of before taking any next steps.
Better to get things out in the open now than spend years and years out of financial alignment with someone.
Related: 7 Ways to Maintain a Consumer Debt Free Lifestyle
10 Tips for Talking About Money as a New Couple
Talking about money as a new couple has its set of challenges. It can get awkward quickly because money has historically been such a taboo topic. People also come from different backgrounds, cultures, and social norms. Not to mention the challenges of bringing up less than desirable things about money like being in debt or having minimal assets.
The tips below are designed to help people have constructive and honest money conversations as a new couple without getting into power struggles or engaging in arguments.
Related: Money Conversation Starters
Number 1: Be Ready to Listen
Seek first to understand, then to be understood is a principle I first read about in Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This is what I mean by being ready to listen. Listening doesn’t mean just letting a person speak while thinking about what you are going to say next.
That’s not really listening, and it’s not constructive. It’s hard to have a productive conversation between two people who are simply waiting for their turn to speak. It might feel courteous and respectful because nobody is shouting over one another, but it’s not constructive.
For a true constructive conversation to occur, both people need to be ready to listen. It’s amazing the amount of information people can pick up when they truly listen. For example, if someone says they have $7,000 of debt, that might send the other person off the rails.
But if the person in debt further explains that they never had consumer debt in their life until seven months ago when they helped a parent with an unavoidable family emergency, that changes things. That’s much different from someone who has racked up tens of thousands in consumer debt due to frivolous spending.
Number 2: Reserve Judgement
Hold off on reserving judgement for some time. Just like in the example above, it’s really easy to jump the gun. It’s also easy to get upset, begin making accusations, and making the situation worse. Even if the conversation is not going well and you’re hearing things you don’t want to hear, hold off on passing judgement.
Continue to listen and ask follow up questions. Then give it some time before making any decisions. After a few days you might decide you’re not financially compatible, but at least give it some time and thought. There’s no need for rash judgements.
Number 3: Be Solution Focused
The third tip for talking about money as a new couple is to be solution focused. Work in good faith with your partner on developing solutions to any money issues that arise. Try to identify multiple resolutions and think outside the box.
For example, if you are debt adverse and your partner has over $5,000 in credit card debt, that probably won’t sit very well with you. With solution focused thinking, you may learn that your partner just never saw this as an issue. Once they understand that it bothers you and it’s not good for them, they may be perfectly willing to change their behavior.
Six months to a year later the debt is paid off and you’re both on the same page. Of course this is a best case example, but you never know until you hold the conversation with this approach.
Number 4: Come in With an Open Mind
Nobody was raised the exact same way and nobody holds the exact same life experiences. Our experiences and upbringing significantly impact the way we think and behave around money. There are certain personal finance principles that I believe are applicable to everyone, but not everyone comes with that same mindset.
For example, one person in a relationship may have been raised to believe that consumer debt is a terrible thing and something to be avoided at all costs. While their partner may have minimal financial education and see nothing wrong with holding credit card debt. The person in debt doesn’t have any bad intentions, they just don’t have the knowledge base and education.
If this couple comes in with an open mind, it’s a lot easier to communicate and figure out what is important to each person. The person deathly adverse to debt might begin to understand where their partner is coming from. While the person in debt might be shocked to find out his credit card debt is a problem for their partner.
This couple will have a much better chance of figuring things out than two people who don’t communicate and let things fester to out of control resentment and hostility.
There’s also a chance that both people come in with an open mind and they learn they are just too far apart financially to ever make it work. If a debt adverse person is with someone who insists they are going to keep a high credit card balance because they “want nice things”, the relationship may just not be the right thing.
While not ideal, I’d certainly much rather learn about that early in the relationship than after years and years of struggle and ill will.
Number 5: Finish the Process
It’s great to begin the money conversation, but you also have to finish it. It’s not helpful to have a bunch of stops and starts, and momentum losses. Start the conversation at the beginning of the month, forget about it for a month, then get back to it at the start of next month. That’s a big momentum loss.
While it’s good that the conversation started, it has to build momentum and reach an ending point. Make an effort to not only to talk about money as a new couple, but to finish the conversation as well.
Think about someone building a treehouse in their backyard for the kids. It’s great that the construction started, but there’s not much use for the treehouse if it’s not completed. A half-built treehouse can’t be used or played in. It’s just kind of there half-built.
The same thing goes for talking about money as a new couple. If there are a bunch of partially started conversations and lost momentum, there’s not a lot of good that comes out of it. It’s not necessarily “bad” but it’s not helpful either.
Number 6: Don’t Be Afraid to Continue the Conversation Later
This tip seems contrary to the last one, but it’s really not when you dig deeper. It’s important to keep momentum but it’s also important to take a break when needed. By break, I don’t mean a momentum-killer like two weeks or a month.
What I’m referring to is taking a short break of a few hours or a couple days. Maybe even a few days. Let some of the emotions die down and allow each other to process some of the information. Come back with a place of understanding and willingness to listen.
Continuing the conversation, or taking a break, can help accomplish these things. You just have to find the balance between a break and delaying the conversation so long that it crushes all progress.
Number 7: Work as a Team
I give an analogy in my book Cash Uncomplicated about a couple on a gameshow who has a short amount of time to finish a task and win a big monetary prize. Since there’s such a short amount of time, there is no time for arguing or bickering.
Arguing and bickering wastes too much time, eliminating any chance to win the game. There’s no time for it, and it’s unproductive. This analogy demonstrates why it’s so important to work as a team.
Even though life personal finances are a long game and not a short gameshow, the same principle applies. Working as a team means both people are coming in with a growth mindset, a willingness to understand the others point of view, solve challenges together, etc.
There’s an understanding that one plus one doesn’t equal two when people are working together in harmony. One plus one in harmony creates exponential results that can’t be replicated by any individual efforts. Make efforts to work together and solve any challenges that come your way.
Working as a team also means avoiding the traps of blaming the other person or deflecting accountability. It’s important to remember that you are working with your partner to solve a challenge (consumer debt, investing more saving for a house, etc.), make it harder by not working together.
Number 8: Wait Until Things Progress to Start the Conversation
The eighth tip about talking about money as a new couple will probably seem obvious after reading it. It may not seem so obvious at the time, but it will make sense after seeing it. That tip is to wait until the relationship gets serious enough to warrant talking about money.
I’m not a relationship expert by any means, but common sense tells me to wait on the big conversations until things have progressed to a certain level of seriousness. By seriousness, I don’t mean you’re getting ready to propose next week, but there should be some idea that the relationship is headed in the right direction.
Trying to have the money conversation on a first date seems a little premature and awkward. To be honest, it will probably scare the other person away, even if they are financially aligned with you. Same goes for the second, third, and fourth dates–it’s probably too soon.
So when is the right time to talk about money as a new couple? I don’t have the exact answer because everyone’s situation is different. My best guess is most people will know when the relationship is moving to more serious levels. That’s probably around the time to start talking about money.
I would imagine that would occur somewhere between the second and sixth month of dating. Some people might have it a little earlier or later, but not too late. I think for most people, that range is the right timeframe.
Number 9: Positive Mindset
The next tip is to keep a positive mindset. What does that mean? Among other things, a positive mindset includes:
- Begin with the idea that the conversation is going to go well
- A willingness to listen and learn
- The reality that your opinions about money may change
- Flexible thinking
A positive mindset goes a long way. Expecting things to go well and allowing your partner to speak will greatly help. An understanding that some of your ideas about money may not be 100 percent accurate will also help.
Obviously there are no guarantees, and positive thinking doesn’t cure two people who are worlds apart in their money views. But a positive mindset really does help, especially if two people are pretty close in their money views.
Number 10: Respect Each Other’s Backgrounds
People come from very different backgrounds. Not just money backgrounds but all other areas of life as well–some that tie into money, others that don’t. Approach the money conversation with the understanding that your partner probably came from a different background than you.
Imagine this scenario:
Person A comes from a background where food was scarce and not having enough for dinner or shoes that fit was a real worry. While person B comes from a relatively affluent home and never had to worry about not having enough food or shoes that fit. Person A and person B have been dating for the past six months, and things are starting to get more serious.
They both make about the same in their job and share many of the same interests and values. The money conversation between this couple can go a lot of different ways.
Coming from such different backgrounds, it would be easy for the conversation to go sideways. But it can also go very well if both people come in with the understanding that their backgrounds likely have a major impact about the way they think, feel, and act around money.
Conclusion
To put it simply, taking about money as a new couple is necessary. It may go exceedingly well or it might be a little unpleasant, but the fact remains that it is necessary. As mentioned in the introduction, it may be tempting to skip the money talk and go straight to the “I do’s” but anyone doing this is really playing with fire.
My experience in life has always taught me that getting things out in the open is better. Allowing things to build up and fester usually leads to bigger problems down the road. My attitude about money conversations is no different–address it when the time is right and know where you both stand.
